Headfirst Slide Into Cooperstown On A Bad Bet

Mr. Ahmed G.Wuma
Dear stylianou
I have been in search of someone with this name “stylianou “, so when I saw your name I was pushed to contact you and see how best we can assist each other. I am mr Ahmed Wuma,i am regional manager of UNITED BANK OF AFRICA GHANA(UBA). I believe it is the wish of God for me to come across you on skype now. I am having an important business discussion I wish to share with you which I believe will interest you because, it is in connection with your last name and you are going to benefit from it.
One Late Shafi stylianou,a citizen of your country had a fixed deposit with my bank in 2004 for 36 calendar months, valued at US$18,400,000.00 (Eighteen Million, Four Hundred Thousand US Dollars) the due date for this deposit contract was this 16 of January 2007. Sadly Shafi was among the death victims in the May 26 2006 Earthquake disaster in Jawa, Indonesia that killed over 5,000 people. Shafi was in Indonesia on a business trip and that was how he met his end.
My bank management is yet to know about his death, I knew about it because he was my friend and I am his account officer. He did not mention any Next of Kin/ Heir when the account was opened, and he Shafi was not married and no children. Last week my Bank Management requested that should give instructions on what to do about his funds, if to renew the contract.
I know this will happen and that is why I have been looking for a means to handle the situation, because if my Bank Directors happens to know that he is dead and do not have any Heir, they will take the funds for their personal use, so I don’t want such to happen. That was why when I saw your last name I was happy and I am now seeking your co-operation to present you as Next of Kin/ Heir to the account, since you have the same last name with him and my bank head quarters will release the account to you. There is no risk involved; the transaction will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of law.
It is better that we claim the money, than allowing the Bank Directors to take it, they are rich already. I am not a greedy person, so I am suggesting we share the funds equal, 50/50% to both parties, my share will assist me to start my own company which has been my dream. Let me know your mind on this and please do treat this information as TOP SECRET. We shall go over the details once I receive your urgent response strictly through my personal email address, sulekawumareply@gmail.com
We can as well discuss this on phone; Mobile:+233-245-777-228. Have a nice day and God bless.
Anticipating your communication.
Ahmed Wuma

Gotta love Skype.

While we’re on the subject of wasting time: does writing non-descript unorthodox post-emo, post-modern poetry as procrastination from pending pieces of work count as an activity?

(Available on request.  A 500-word mini-thesis on “Why I should receive your poetry” should be sent to the usual address)

This term is spiralling out of control – I’m so horrifically busy I haven’t been able to make half the trips to see friends I’ve wanted to.  And that’s even taking into account the time I gain during the week-end, aptly coined The Holloway Exodus.

Am I in love with university, yet?  Give me a couple of weeks:  I’ll let you know by my birthday.  I’m undecided on the small-community spirit being a good thing or a bad thing.  Getting involved is great, getting misheard through the grapevine is less so.  Everyone’s nice, but you can’t avoid getting a preconceived opinion based on pure hearsay.  For a man who wants to work in the media, it’s occasionally frustrating to see not enough genuine communication taking place.

My to-do list is also multiplying exponentially. At some point I’ve also got to find a house and some housemates in this small town. But for now, I’m cutting through the mess by posting to Twitter; providing the world with bite-sized nuggets of self-absorbed content influenced by what I’m listening to, what I’m avoiding, or simply what I’m just trying to fill my head with.  Cor, I’m just a laugh riot.

I swear, I have a life.  A relatively normal one.  Outside of the internet, honest.  I just don’t know when to stop.

Mr. Wuma, I put this to you:  Can a man such as yourself prove to me that this is not of some sort of egoistical manufacture? If you are indeed employing the values of ethical altruism then surely a 50/50 split would be in both of our self-interests? Idealistically speaking, the reasons you are contacting me are false, and therefore your irrelevant claim of philanthropy would actually indicate a more communist theme – but how do you know I am not already rich?  Furthermore, to reinvest our newly-found funds in free-market capitalism would prove contradictory, leaving us in some odd pseudo-socialist limbo, wouldn’t you agree? It is for these reasons I cannot accept your offer without further ethical, moral and political counsel.  Apologies for the discourse, but I feel it is necessary to furthering our ‘important business discussion’.

Mr. Ahmed G.Wuma
you sound great my dear
well can i have your email address so i can furnish you more details about me and the fund

As soon as you can ‘furnish’ my questions, you can have my e-mail address.  Then again, maybe not.